[This is an entry from my Diary – dated 2nd September 2016 – slightly modified]
Right now listening to Abstract – Neverland. Beautiful song. I would have bought it if it was not for unavailability in India.
As I gloss over my last diary entry, I realize how much I have failed so far. In life. In almost everything.
Since the last 2 -3 weeks I have not been studying at all. All my time has gone away in sleeping, the internet and other bullshit. Especially going to different websites and clipping stuff in Evernote – preparing for a future that I will never partake in…if I go on with my current attitude. It is a shame. I have so many amazing books and great clips in Evernote – but all I do is waste time clipping more new stuff. Its kind of an addiction.
Now that I think, I never really understood why rich people improved the world. Now I know how addiction feels. You lose control of everything. Addiction keeps your mind in a mental state of temporary bliss – at that moment even if the whole world were to end, even if all hell broke lose, even if you were burning to a crisp – your mind is so engaged that everything else is a faint whisper in a train station.
That is why rich people never cared about solving real world problems. They are addicted to the feel of a bigger bank account.
I have never smoked, never drunk alcohol, never taken drugs, never even fallen in love -never really addicted to what “normal” (depending on your definition) people are addicted to. I never realised I was addicted to clipping interesting articles. Seriously, I have proof that I have done it for hours at a stretch. And I know why.
I love the new. I love change. For me, one thing gets boring very soon. Its not like addiction – it IS addiction.
I cannot tolerate not thinking about things. There is a reason why I bought a 100 rupees Gaana+ subscription a month. I just cannot tolerate not doing anything while walking from my hostel to the class. It is kind of unbearable. Boredom is highly unbearable to me.
And the unfortunate fact is I compensate for it by eating high sugar foods.
On a side note, these days I am listening to podcasts about Technology, Electronics, Security, Linux and Psychology during such walks. Thinking of discontinuing the Gaana+ subscription.
What Marijuana, Alcohol and drugs is for others, food is for me. Whenever the level of boredom crosses a certain limit, I indulge – sorry, OVERINDULGE – in eating. It just makes my brain relax and my heart stops pounding. I have, many times, tried stopping this habit. But you have no idea how it gets. I just need to engage my brain in something. Think about new stuff.
And though I could just think (duh!) and I do do that, there is a difference. When I am thinking I am like a mad dog chasing a car – I would not know what to do if I caught one- its just the drive which is addictive. Its not fun, just addictive . But when I over-eat, my mind kind of goes into a temporary shut down mode (probably because of the diversion of blood into the stomach, I don’t know) and I can finally really enjoy.
However, since recently, I have been diverting my thinking potential into useful activity. I recently bought a little touchscreen tablet (actually hybrid laptop – convertible). It has amazing battery life and is portable as fuck. I can literally carry it everywhere (and I do). Whenever I get an idea I write it down or doodle it there. And it has been helpful so far. I do not know if my ideas are worth anything, but finally I feel my mind is useful for something.
It still feels like a dog chasing cars but now atleast it is fun.
Although I use Linux on my hybrid-convertible, I use Windows on my main laptop. Along with a Plus subscription of Evernote. Its pretty useful. Notes, web clips, daily schedules, to-dos – you name it, it has it. I specially love the fact that you can search a note from anywhere and there is literally unlimited storage – just a monthly limit of upload and size limits per note. But the limit is more than enough for almost everything.
And I find that Evernote is helping me challenge my unbridled energy into the right directions. Even though I have not been studying since the past few weeks, I have been skimming through notes I already made before while watching lecture videos or reading books.
I don’t know, digital notes was probably what I always wanted.
And this is where I think I can counter the failure in my life…so far.
All I have to do is channel my energy to the right place. And I have a plan.
My mind hates boredom. It hates going below a base level of indulgence. So I tried something new today.
I searched for HOW to study, instead of WHAT to study.
I literally spent 5 hours today, that too after class, reading about study and note making tips and techniques going in detail through 20 or 30 websites, blogs and tutorials. I have jotted down the best parts in a single note in Evernote. (Might give you the link to the note if you ask – only caveat is that you will have to create an Evernote account: free is available, don’t worry)
I just tried it for half an hour today and I fucking loved it!
But like I told, stuff soon becomes old for me. So, I am yet to experiment properly.
So far so good. Its 8.25 PM. Gotta go for dinner.
(By the way, people have often asked me during dinners and lunches why I eat so little. Due to the way food makes me feel, I try to avoid over eating as much as possible – because believe it or not – I mostly (not always) like the mess food in Hostel 7.)
Looks like the dog finally figured out how to enjoy the eternal chase.
Currently listening to Tilka – Missing Home. Its beautifully depressing.
Much as life.