It has been a long time since I last wrote anything in my blog. If I remember correctly, the last thing I posted on my blog was a quote I found on Quora.
Just checked, yeah I was correct – well, atleast somewhere I am correct in life.
I think I am going through depression right now. I did a couple of online depression tests, and all of them say that I have about moderate depression. In general, the stories I have heard about people going through depression kind of resonate with my condition right now.
I feel like shit. Right now, I feel that my life is absolutely meaningless and that I should just kill myself. I mean, my college is in a pretty big campus surrounded by quite some greenery. It would not be that hard to take a slow poison, dig a grave, jump in, cover up and take some chroloform from the lab to knock me unconscious for good enough time till the poison kills me. I am sure, they will have a hard time finding my body.
See, this is what I am talking about. Damn, I have been thinking about how to die. The only thing keeping me together is a little hope that I have from myself. Somewhere deep inside – it says “You can do it, you can go through it”. I even tried searching for psychiatrists in my locality, but since I currently live in a hostel in a college in a quite remote location in India – such facilities are quite rare.
And the worst part is, I don’t really want to talk about this with anybody else, which is why I am publishing on this blog post. I know why I have depression, if I do have that. The last 10 or so years have been really bad. Not in the sense that there have been financial or so troubles but that I always set my target high and I have never achieved it. I have always dreamed of being a genius, I have literally worshipped scientific and artistic geniuses of many eras – alas, that is something I am not. I have had many many failures -each time disappointing myself. Infact, since the last couple of years, I have not had a single even that I could count as a success. And that has been bugging me. I guess, it has reached the tipping point.
I just hate myself and my life.
My college mates know me as a chirpy, talkative person. But, deep down, I have always hated that. I like to stay alone and quiet and just be busy in my work. Psychologically, I love to be in a state of flow. I hate talking like a good, happy lively person. Yet, it…it just comes out of me like some bad habit. I just hate this. I hate myself.
I just hate that there is so much wrong and hatred and unhappiness and backwardness in this world. I really want to change the world for good – drive scientific progress, free minds, make people love and trust each other, put the emotions in the right place for the right pursuits. And the first step, personally, is to be successful in my personal endeavours. I have had a rough plan a couple years back – and I have basically managed to achieve nothing of that. I have been an utter failure in my own eyes. Everyday, since the past couple of years, I look in to the mirror and I face disappointment. I face guilt. I face…dissatisfaction with my life and almost everything around it.
I am just a mediocre college student, getting mediocre grades, in a mediocre college. Everything about me and my life is mediocre. Every f*cking thing. And this pisses me off. I do not feel as if anything is worth it anymore. I feel as if nothing is real – infact, I have doubted reality since last many years (and I don’t really know what to feel about the reality of life, but hey, that is just a personal gut feeling, eh?) I am not smart, or a genius – and it pisses me off.
And all this is just touching the reasons why I hate myself.
But, still there is one little voice deep down my heart “Don’t kill yourself yet. You can make it.” I feel it right now as I write.
I am hungry and desperate for reaching at least some level of success that I envision. Maybe I set my standards too high – but I can’t help it. I need to reach it or I will break. My End term exams are a week away. I desperately need to ace them – or I don’t know what will happen to me. I am frightened and saddened at the same time.
I do not know who is reading this out there on the internet. But, I just had to let it out. I do not like talking to people but keeping this in is hard – so there you go, internet. Here is a little part of mine for you.
Damn, its hard.