Depression?

It has been a long time since I last wrote anything in my blog. If I remember correctly, the last thing I posted on my blog was a quote I found on Quora.

Just checked, yeah I was correct – well, atleast somewhere I am correct in life.

I think I am going through depression right now. I did a couple of online depression tests, and all of them say that I have about moderate depression. In general, the stories I have heard about people going through depression kind of resonate with my condition right now.

I feel like shit. Right now, I feel that my life is absolutely meaningless and that I should just kill myself. I mean, my college is in a pretty big campus surrounded by quite some greenery. It would not be that hard to take a slow poison, dig a grave, jump in, cover up and take some chroloform from the lab to knock me unconscious for good enough time till the poison kills me. I am sure, they will have a hard time finding my body.

See, this is what I am talking about. Damn, I have been thinking about how to die. The only thing keeping me together is a little hope that I have from myself. Somewhere deep inside – it says “You can do it, you can go through it”. I even tried searching for psychiatrists in my locality, but since I currently live in a hostel in a college in a quite remote location in India – such facilities are quite rare.

And the worst part is, I don’t really want to talk about this with anybody else, which is why I am publishing on this blog post. I know why I have depression, if I do have that. The last 10 or so years have been really bad. Not in the sense that there have been financial or so troubles but that I always set my target high and I have never achieved it. I have always dreamed of being a genius, I have literally worshipped scientific and artistic geniuses of many eras – alas, that is something I am not. I have had many many failures -each time disappointing myself. Infact, since the last couple of years, I have not had a single even that I could count as a success. And that has been bugging me. I guess, it has reached the tipping point.

I just hate myself and my life.

My college mates know me as a chirpy, talkative person. But, deep down, I have always hated that. I like to stay alone and quiet and just be busy in my work. Psychologically, I love to be in a state of flow. I hate talking like a good, happy lively person. Yet, it…it just comes out of me like some bad habit. I just hate this. I hate myself.

I just hate that there is so much wrong and hatred and unhappiness and backwardness in this world. I really want to change the world for good – drive scientific progress, free minds, make people love and trust each other, put the emotions in the right place for the right pursuits. And the first step, personally, is to be successful in my personal endeavours. I have had a rough plan a couple years back – and I have basically managed to achieve nothing of that. I have been an utter failure in my own eyes. Everyday, since the past couple of years, I look in to the mirror and I face disappointment. I face guilt. I face…dissatisfaction with my life and almost everything around it.

I am just a mediocre college student, getting mediocre grades, in a mediocre college. Everything about me and my life is mediocre. Every f*cking thing. And this pisses me off. I do not feel as if anything is worth it anymore. I feel as if nothing is real – infact, I have doubted reality since last many years (and I don’t really know what to feel about the reality of life, but hey, that is just a personal gut feeling, eh?) I am not smart, or a genius – and it pisses me off.

F*ck.

And all this is just touching the reasons why I hate myself.

But, still there is one little voice deep down my heart “Don’t kill yourself yet. You can make it.” I feel it right now as I write.

I am hungry and desperate for reaching at least some level of success that I envision. Maybe I set my standards too high – but I can’t help it. I need to reach it or I will break. My End term exams are a week away. I desperately need to ace them – or I don’t know what will happen to me. I am frightened and saddened at the same time.

I do not know who is reading this out there on the internet. But, I just had to let it out. I do not like talking to people but keeping this in is hard – so there you go, internet. Here is a little part of mine for you.

Damn, its hard.

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2 thoughts on “Depression?”

  1. Best time to write, right here. The willingness and ability to capture honestly how you feel is one of the smartest things you can ever do. In reading this and another of your blogs, I think I know why mine might resonate with you. Constantly pursuing, thinking, immersing yourself only to find yourself bored or that the world has slowly, yet immediately, come to resemble nothing about how you envisioned yourself certainly drives you crazy. To then look around at other people less interested, less responsible, for both their feelings and impact on life, seem to have something figured out you don’t piles it on further. You don’t fit, but it has much more to do with them than you.

    I think for me, the trick has been to disavow any kind of love or expectation for, as you accurately described “flow.” The craving drives you towards desperate or manic acts. The idea that you’re not living up to something came from somewhere besides you. The longer you indulge someone else’s poorly reasons fantasies, the harder it will be to remember or pursue what truly underwrites you as an individual. Don’t suffer their ridiculous world, force them to engage with yours. It’s lonely until it isn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Couldn’t have said it better.

      Society has a habit of enforcing an image on a person or a group. It is just a manifestation of the individual’s tendency to be uncomfortable with change. This person is supposed to do this, that person is supposed to do that.

      Instead of a strong stream of river, we are a jelly – with our narrow mindsets and general biological inability to accept the different.
      Luckily, we have slightly greater than primitive intelligence in which we are able to overcome and even change our biological urges. That is why, despite the madness, chaos, orthodoxies and human violence, I retain faith in humanity.

      I do not indulge in other’s poor fantasies or broken dreams. I have always been kind of a quiet rebel – my parents tell me so atleast. I have always had a tendency to question norms and beliefs,and even go counter to them.

      I truly want to achieve my dreams and goals- they are a personal desire not an enforced mental slavery of the society. The thing is – I have been at fault. I did not follow my plans. I got distracted. I was responsible for ALL of my failures. I won’t blame anyone but me. My parents have tried their level best to make my life comfortable, secure and happy – and for that I am eternally grateful to them. My extended family has always been supportive. Situations in my life have almost always been favourable for success. I do not have any horrible or sad backstory. It was all sunshine.

      But I fucked up. Everytime.

      And that is what lead to my mental condition back when this post was written.
      I have never had too many friends. Never wanted to. I prefer isolation. I prefer anonymity. Doing my work. Contributing to progress of mankind in my little way.

      Its just that I am pained that the only person standing in my way is me.

      And that is slowly changing. Things are getting better. I am working hard to make my dreams come true. College has given me the exposure and lessons I needed.

      “Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.” -The Architect, The Matrix Reloaded

      Looks like both my problem and solution is hope. But this time it is fueled with action.

      Liked by 1 person

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